Finding yourself is not an action, it is more like a journey to self discovery, and by discovery I mean it isn't anything new, you just uncover what was always hidden away.
It's been a long time since my last post. the reason for this is not because of any type of lack of excitement. My time in the US has not disappointed me in any way. I honestly think I have grown into the absolute strongest version of myself. It's exhilarating to be here; my heart still overflows with an abundance of childish excitement every time I meet up with my friends from all over the world. I still can't contain my love for Starbucks, I still smile from ear to ear every time I visit DC, and I still feel like this is my best decision I have ever made.
|Some of my amazing friends from all over the world.|
|Here I am at the beautiful Washington Monument in DC.|
One of my silent goals when I came here as an au-pair was to "find" myself. Judge all you want, but I am sure we have all at some point in our lives felt like we needed to take a break and discover more about who we are. and Oh boy, did I discover some things about myself. Things that have surprised me, things that have excited me but also, things I that have annoyed me to my inner most deepest part of my soul.
Now that I know these things, I am able to deal with each one of them. I now know I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I can *try* to handle more complex situations without immediately freaking out, and I can have a conversation more confidently than ever before. Some other silly things I have uncovered; I have realized I actually do like hummus and my favorite season is winter after all. (Though, this opinion is very bias, and it may change when I go back home, because the humidity in Virginia is enough to make anyone pray for snow.)
Here's the thing though, "finding" myself has been nothing like the movies and books have portrayed it to be. It has been the most frustrating thing I have ever gone through. I have had to deal with every single part of me. The good and the terrible. The strong and the insecure. The awesome and the goofy. The hilarious and the crazy. BUT, it's not like any of these things are suddenly new. These are just abilities and pieces of information I have never come across, only because I have never had to deal with certain things and situations. Now that I have, I have a clearer view of how I handle conflict and uncomfortable scenarios.
I also still can't say for sure I know who I am, I am sure I will change in every season of my life. One thing I know though, is this season of my life, I am happy to know this part of me. I am content to know this 22 year old portion of my heart. The part who cherishes true friendship, and values deep, meaningful conversations. I am thrilled to know I can overcome awful situations and find blissful memories to cover terrible, meaningless criticism.
I also now, more than ever, find certainty in my identity in Christ. I still have a lot of sin, and I now more than ever need His Spirit to cover and guide me. The difference now, is that I don't long for something "more" anymore. I don't find peace in earthly hings. My realization is now that I will always be found in Him. I was never lost and truth is, I never actually needed to "find" myself. , I was just floating around the surface of something incredible and now I will never be satisfied without Him.
What they didn't tell me about finding myself, is not to look for more of me, but to be still, and to delve deeper into Him.