What they don't tell you about "finding" yourself.

Finding yourself is not an action, it is more like a journey to self discovery, and by discovery I mean it isn't anything new, you just uncover what was always hidden away.

It's been a long time since my last post. the reason for this is not because of any type of lack of excitement. My time in the US has not disappointed me in any way. I honestly think I have grown into the absolute strongest version of myself. It's exhilarating to be here; my heart still overflows with an abundance of childish excitement every time I meet up with my friends from all over the world. I still can't contain my love for Starbucks, I still smile from ear to ear every time I visit DC, and I still feel like this is my best decision I have ever made.

Some of my amazing friends from all over the world.

Here I am at the beautiful Washington Monument in DC.

One of my silent goals when I came here as an au-pair was to "find" myself. Judge all you want, but I am sure we have all at some point in our lives felt like we needed to take a break and discover more about who we are. and Oh boy, did I discover some things about myself. Things that have surprised me, things that have excited me but also, things I that have annoyed me to my inner most deepest part of my soul.

Now that I know these things, I am able to deal with each one of them. I now know I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I can *try* to handle more complex situations without immediately freaking out, and I can have a conversation more confidently than ever before. Some other silly things I have uncovered; I have realized I actually do like hummus and my favorite season is winter after all. (Though, this opinion is very bias, and it may change when I go back home, because the humidity in Virginia is enough to make anyone pray for snow.)

Here's the thing though, "finding" myself has been nothing like the movies and books have portrayed it to be. It has been the most frustrating thing I have ever gone through. I have had to deal with every single part of me. The good and the terrible. The strong and the insecure. The awesome and the goofy. The hilarious and the crazy. BUT, it's not like any of these things are suddenly new. These are just abilities and pieces of information I have never come across, only because I have never had to deal with certain things and situations. Now that I have, I have a clearer view of how I handle conflict and uncomfortable scenarios.

I also still can't say for sure I know who I am, I am sure I will change in every season of my life. One thing I know though, is this season of my life, I am happy to know this part of me. I am content to know this 22 year old portion of my heart. The part who cherishes true friendship, and values deep, meaningful conversations. I am thrilled to know I can overcome awful situations and find blissful memories to cover terrible, meaningless criticism.

I also now, more than ever, find certainty in my identity in Christ. I still have a lot of sin, and I now more than ever need His Spirit to cover and guide me. The difference now, is that I don't long for something "more" anymore. I don't find peace in earthly hings. My realization is now that I will always be found in Him. I was never lost and truth is, I never actually needed to "find" myself. , I was just floating around the surface of something incredible and now I will never be satisfied without Him.

What they didn't tell me about finding myself, is not to look for more of me, but to be still, and to delve deeper into Him.

Homesickness - Not what I thought it would be.

"Homesickness is the distress or impairment caused by an actual or anticipated separation from home. Its cognitive hallmark is preoccupying thoughts of home and attachment objects."

Okay. So I have been in America for 8 weeks, and what an experience it has been already. I feel like a newborn baby, experiencing things for the first time again.  The difference in weather - and a big difference might I just add, with temperatures below 0 degrees Celsius often, oh and even a snowstorm! - , a (kind of) new language, driving on the other side of the road, meeting at least one new person every day, new food, a new culture, Starbucks :D, a new house, new family, and lastly lots of American accents. 

Wow, I find myself spacing out at least once a day, trying to figure out why I did this, but I know why, and I keep reminding myself of that. 

So, I haven't been blogging for 2 main reasons, I haven't had time to gather a conclusive opinion about whether I like it here, or whether I love it here, (I think it might be the latter.) And also, I have been going through some phases of homesickness, and I didn't want to write a soppy blog-post. And yet, here I am, writing a soppy blog-post. :)

So according to google, when I typed in the word homesickness, it said something about longing for home, and wanting to be in a familiar place again. Turns out even google isn't always right.

In my fist 2 weeks here, I might have been longing for and missing home. Terribly But I knew that was going to happen, no shocker. Different country, different people, different everything. Of course I missed my home, my people, my work and my pets. (Not particularly in that order.)

As the weeks have past, and I have explored more things, and met new people, the definition of homesickness as a word, changed for me. I love being an Au pair here.  This experience has already been engraved in my heart, and I am so proud of myself for doing this. I have visited so many beautiful places already (watch this space for more of my travelling stories and trip pictures!)

Homesickness changes because I have realized that I do not miss home. I mean the literal meaning of home. I mean yes, would I like to have a cup of rooibos tea in my room watching Friends? Sure. Would I like to be in Mugg&Bean in Clearwater mall, having lunch with my bestie? Definitely. Would I like to soak up some sun and have great conversation with my Spiritual family? YES!! But, I like where I am now, and I am enjoying almost every single minute of being here, and marinating in the new-ness of everything.

I have a point.
I have come to realize that homesickness to me, means not being able to share the best time of my life, with my people.
Like being able to show my dad the awesome running and biking trials meters away from where I live, or going shopping in DC with my mom. I wish I could share the awesome nightlife in DC with my brother, and the amazing museums with my friends. I feel like I am missing out on sharing what feels like the greatest experience of my life, with those back at home.

So in essence, homesickness, to me, is I wish you were here with me sickness.

This picture describes my mood and feeling perfectly. - Thanks google :)

Thank goodness for Skype sessions, Whatsapp call, and Instgram. 

If you are back home in my beautiful country, know that I miss our Culture, our sunshine, Afrikaans and quality time with my people.Oh, and if you are planning on sending me something, please send me a stukkie braaivleis!! ;)